Be Not Afraid

More Than Enough

Between the craziness of travel for the holidays, it being winter, feeling more tired and uncomfortable than usual due to pregnancy, and Mike working such long hours during his clerkship, I’ve admittedly let myself wallow in self-pity lately. It’s hard to admit, and I wish I could just snap myself out of it by focusing on my blessings, but I’m still learning how to not only find joy in every day, but how to recall that joy when I get overwhelmed. It’s a work in progress, and probably always will be for me.

Then this morning, I had my 3 1/2 year follow up appointment with my oncologist. I couldn’t be scanned since I’m pregnant, so the appointment was just blood work and a quick examination of my lymph nodes. That being the case, I didn’t feel the usual anxiety these appointments can bring. In fact, it just felt like a big hassle, as we had to get up early, drive a half hour in rush hour traffic, and do it all with John Paul in tow. I was especially stressed about how our energetic boy would behave in the lab waiting room and doctor’s office waiting room, both of which are always filled with understandably anxious and tense people.

But, we made it just in time. John Paul smiled and charmed and seemingly distracted (in the best way) those people in the waiting room all by being his silly, sweet self, and (mostly!) held it together for our two twenty-five minute wait times. And then, I was able to thank my oncologist for her incredible care and determination in saving my life as John Paul, whose life at the time of my diagnosis was completely entwined with mine, sat by my side, and my unborn daughter moved around in my womb. “Oh, you don’t need to thank me. Just seeing this is more than enough,” she said, gesturing towards us.

Oh Lord, forgive me for forgetting that this beautiful life is indeed, more than enough. Help me to be more mindful of how truly blessed I am, even amidst the seemingly mundane and dreary days that will surely come from time to time. Please bring peace that surpasses all understanding to those whose journeys with cancer and any other difficult situations or struggles end differently than mine. And let me do nothing in life that doesn’t reflect what I learned of Your goodness and the goodness of mankind when I was suffering and in need the most. Amen.

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6 comments

  1. Jonnie Hickman

    Thank you sweetheart, I needed to hear your words tonight more than you know. I am grateful to know you are with child again. God is so good.

  2. Marjorie Nichta

    How wonderful it was to read your words again.. I have missed them so. I still feel so connected to you because Our Lord provided the connection. I am full of joy with the news that you are well, so well that you are experiencing life—extra-ordinary—with frustrations, joys, and all on the roller coaster ride of life. The Lord never promised us the easy road, and boy does the road get bumpy. (Mine has been unpaved and pitted since April) But, I give great thanks because He puts such beauty, warmth and happiness along the way. (Not to mention the grace He gives when I am less grateful, maybe a little fussy (understatement) and not taking the bumpy road well.
    Many blessings and thank you for sharing your gift of words and hard earned wisdom with me. Again, you express thoughts and feelings so close to my own.

    • Marjorie, it’s so wonderful to hear from you. I’m so grateful that we’ve been able to connect in this way over the past few years, and I’m always so thankful for your responses to my words. And you are so right–it is a gift to be healthy enough to have gotten back into a routine of normal living, including all the expected moments of frustration, etc. I think the trick for me is finding the balance between allowing myself to just live normally but never forgetting how fortunate I am to be experiencing this normal life. And yet, though I want to remain ever grateful for this gift, I know that I also shouldn’t beat myself up when I feel normal irritation, momentary struggles, and so on.

      Thank you for sharing your words and helping me furthur process my thoughts! I pray that the road gets a little less bumpy for you, but that until then, you feel at peace knowing that your not alone in your struggles!

  3. Carolyn Heffner

    So happy for all of you. My grandson and wife have a baby boy, Kylan born Aug 28th. They live out near Pittsburgh,and I’v had a breathing problem. Had surgery Jan 9th in Jefferson Phila. Doing real good now. But have not gotten to know Kylan as I want to. I’m excited for your Blessings Take care and enjoy every moment of your life!

    • Carolyn, thank you for your note of congrats! And congratulations to you on your new grandson. I’m so glad to hear that you’re healing well after you surgery, and I pray that your future holds lots of time spent cuddling little Kylan!

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