Be Not Afraid

Healer

Last Thursday I received wonderful news over the phone that brought me to tears as I sat in my hairdresser’s chair:  no evidence of cancer cells found in the active tissue from my tumor.  Praise God!  I haven’t met with my doctor yet so I still don’t know what the activity is/was, and it’s not certain that we will ever know.  It could be brown fat-the fat our body creates for warmth-or thymic rebound as a result of the chemotherapy, or something else altogether, but the important thing is that it is not cancer.

With joy and sighs of relief my family and I celebrated this weekend, spending time together eating, drinking, dancing, and finally, worshipping together.  And when we did worship together yesterday, it was cathartic, at least for me.  For as I sang the words of Healer, I felt a peace that passes all understanding wash over my body, my mind, and most deeply, my heart.  For declaring what I have found to be true: “You walk with me through fire, and heal all my disease,” allowed me to truly believe what I sang next: “I believe You are all I need.”  Because I’ll share the truth with you:  as much as I felt extreme relief and joy in my heart upon hearing the wonderful news Thursday, instead of celebrating later that night, I felt more like crying (and I did.)

As soon as I could let go of the fear of the cancer returning, and the deeper fear of leaving my son motherless, there was room for me to feel the other emotions I’ve so often pushed aside this past year:  anger, confusion, resentment, and disappointment.  Anger at why I got cancer, confusion as to how to move on after what we’ve gone through this past year, resentment at the things we’ve had to sacrifice, and disappointment at the way life will never be the same, the way my innocence has been stolen away, the way I’ll always have scans that may or may not show the recurrence of cancer.

While I am so grateful for the beautiful things I’ve seen this year, things I would have never witnessed or experienced had I not gotten sick,  I am still a broken person, and instead of rejoicing in all I’ve walked through on Friday night-with God and amazing family and loving friends at our side-I wallowed in what I have lost, or perhaps what I think I have lost.  And so worshiping our ever faithful God was exactly what I needed by Sunday, to give thanks for all He has carried me through, and to remind myself that just as God has carried me through illness, and with the help of incredible doctors and modern medicine, healed me of my disease, He will also heal me of all my emotional and spiritual weakness as well.  For He is always faithful, and always more than enough to fulfill all of our needs.

Healer, Hillsong

You hold my every moment
You calm my raging sea
You walk with me through fire
and heal all my disease

I trust in You
I trust in You

I believe You’re my healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You’re my portion
I believe You’re more than enough for me
Jesus, You’re all I need.

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands

I cannot thank you enough for your love and support these past few weeks.  Your prayers are powerful, and brought me more peace than I could have ever anticipated having while going through tests, biopsies, and emotional ups and downs.  Please know of my unending gratitude and unending prayers for all of you.

Love, Allison

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5 comments

  1. Linda Bysong

    Praise God! I follow your blog and am so inspired by your faith and constancy. I pray that you only receive good news from this point forward and will be celebrating all of life’s accomplishments with John Paul. I truly believe that when you look into the eyes of your child you get a small glimpse of what heaven will be like! Congratualtions on the great report.

  2. My dear friend, thank you for sharing. I leave you the prayer we prayed in Taize tonight, which I know you know:
    My peace I leave you, my peace I give you
    Trouble not your heart.
    My peace I leave you, my peace I give you
    Be not afraid.
    xo

  3. I’m happy to hear your news, Alli! But your emotions are natural ones – just look at the Psalms for examples of questions typical to human kind. My prayer for you was/is a song I wrote, based on scripture –

    “Oh,God,
    You reign forever
    Our God
    You reign in love.
    When the mountains fall and the valleys rise
    I will turn to you I will lift my eyes
    to you
    and remember
    You reign in love forever.”

    Dixie

  4. Mirinda Danielson

    That news is outstanding!! I was introduced to your blog by Betsy Anderson, and since having been praying for you. As my family is going through a similar situation and your posts are so inspirational. God Bless, Mindi Danielson

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